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The “New Ride” is in fact half of a long-awaited revamp of Toyland Tours, making this the third incarnation for the ancient boat ride system. However, rather then simply redressing the scenery, this revamp has seen the boat route curtailed in order for some fun in the Great Glass Elevator at the end of the ride.

The attraction resides inside the same building as before. However, the outside has been extensively redecorated into the Chocolate Factory of dreams. The style is a rather lavish 2D illustrated affair, to fit in with the book-concentrating theme. As has become a sad Tussauds hallmark, there is a plain Tin Shed obviously jutting out of the top near the rear of the ride, but the fact that the theming is supposed to resemble a flat book illustration means that it isn’t as misplaced as some of the other examples.

Most of the queueline is held outdoors, meaning that beside the factory, there is a constant seething mass of people ruining photo opportunities and spilling out of the (fairly small) queueline towards Cred Street or McDonalds. It does at least, give a fairly good impression of how long you will have to wait for. At the moment, Alton have a policy of allowing four hours in the middle of the day for families with children only, which seems a good compromise for the fact that others will want to ride too, whilst perhaps putting off the troublesome teenagers who have dined at the next-door fast foodery.

Whilst you queue, sole entertainment is given by a music track that uses strings and percussion to create a sound that is remarkably similar to the recent movie theme. As you near the building, completely unmasked black Bose speakers spoil the otherwise blanket coverage of the building frontage. As we enter inside, computer generated images of factory walls have been stuck around the place, signifying a horrifyingly cheap way of theming a room. However, there is much better to look at, as a small room holds a large Wonka Bar that periodically bursts into life, and becomes the screen for a nice animation that demonstrates the basic story (Charlie has invited us along with him for the tour, and the other children are already inside) and some safety messages complete with humorous animated reasons why we shouldn’t misbehave.

On another wall, the other children from the story have a picture frame each, illustrated from the books. They look great, and one hopes that Quentin Blake’s original illustrations have made it into the ride too. Soon after, we board our boat in the river of chocolate courtesy of a staff member already dressed in factory get up.

Once we are seated, the boat lurches off. The impression of a chocolate river has been created simply by painting the trough brown, and to stop it being too obviously water, there is very little light from here on in. The scenes we pass don’t appear to have been originated from Blake’s originals sadly, and have more then a passing resemblance to both of the movie sets. Augustus gets stuck up the chocolate pipe, and Violet gets suitably enlarged as a blueberry. No reason is given for these happenings, so an understanding of the story of the book/movie is required for you to get the relevance.

All the way through the boat ride, there is no music – merely a few sound effects and the hissing of animatronics. In fact, the atmosphere is as dismal and sterile as it could possibly be.

Suddenly, we enter a tunnel of strobes, which offer a suitably psychedelic and disturbing sensation as we are carted off from the boat and wait in one of two pens while a video projection bamboozles everyone by appearing back to front, with letters spelt out in mirror image. I have a very good understanding of the book, but it took me ages to realise that in fact we were supposedly inside a TV Screen as the Mike TeeVee part of the story came to fruitition. For kids and adults with no prior knowledge of the story, this serves as incomprehensible, and got the back up of several guests on both my visits as they thought there was a problem with the projector.

A door opens in front of us, and a staff member shouts at us to enter the Great Glass Elevator. Inside, a gorgeous combination of gold and glass lit beautifully yet simply with inset spot lights await us. There is rows of banisters to hold on to, it would seem this lift won’t be stopping at all floors. At last, there is a small introduction as the door closes behind us to let those not in on the story know that we are in an elevator. On each side of our cube and indeed on each door, there is a huge screen showing the lift shaft – and once the lift starts to move, all the projector screens move in unison along with bumping and vibrating of the floor at the right moments, and synchronised sound.

This culminated in one of the best simulator experiences around, and the effect of all the walls and projectors working in sync is breathtaking. Passing through the various fantasy caverns that make up the factory, we fly past various rooms and Oompa Loompas’ doing their stuff, before taking the legendary bid for the roof and exploding away from the factory (and I shan’t be picky enough to say that nothing of Alton Towers is seen from this aerial view because that would be pointless…) in a truly exhilarating lurch.

We soon quickly plunge back to where we started, as an the exit door opens we make our way out back to the park proper and reflect on the whole experience.

It is obvious immediately that the ride started life as a move cash in, with the trimmings added on later around the central idea – the Great Glass Elevator. To get the most out of this attraction, you must view the simulator as the attraction and the boat ride as an exotic queue to get you to it. This is because the boat ride portion of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is incredibly poor. Yes the set pieces are there, but with no music behind them. The echo of the halls is enough to make one feel quite glum, and it all feels very foreboding. The strobe tunnel however is great – but again, a lack of decent audio means that the effect is subdued beyond belief – everyone is silent on the boat so as not to hush the silence, it’s like being in a public library.

The video before we enter the Elevator is incomprehensible both in terms of it’s back to front style, and it’s audio which echoes around the metal building meaning that nothing can be heard even if you are making an effort to listen. Add to this the fact that Veruca Salt isn't even referred to again after she is introduced in the pre-show.

The elevator simulator however is marvellous – and well worth the bother to experience at least once. The kids will love it and it is thankfully good enough to allow you to forget the disappointing start to the ride

Simulators are not really in this site’s remit, but the boat ride should still be the theatrical introduction we expect of any decent dark ride. What we get is a slow plod through very dark rooms, with some silent animations that please no one. It’s just not fun. Thankfully, the simulator pulls out all the stops that the ride itself didn’t bother with – to its eternal shame.

2007

Someone at Alton seemed to see sense for the 2007 season, and the ride was given a bit of a re-jig during the winter. It opened in 2007 with a few more animatronics, and some better sound and music - meaning that the ride section isn't quite as dead an affair. It is still far from the dizzy heights that you might yearn for, but its an improvement nevertheless.

The only other aspect to add here is that through the ride's first two years in service, Alton Towers have done it a great dis-service by being perfectly happy to run the great glass elevators with whole projectors / screens non-functioning. This means you have one wall that ramains black, or even worse, the ceiling and floor being a bottomless pit of oblivion. This ruins the whole illusion. Disney wouldn't be seen dead opening any of their rides or attractions in this state - and it is a great shame what should and can be a fantastic experience turns into a let-down for all.